Wake up


The church has been so busy arguing about gay marriage, vaccines, Monsanto, parenting, spanking ,prophecy, speaking in tongues, women in the church, feminism, pick any other random meaningless crap we have been bickering about to even NOTICE what has been happening in our world. “A kingdom divided against itself cannot stand,” (Mark 3:24) and we are divided. Divided on stupid social issues, while our foster children are being exploited, our unborn babies are being killed, immigrant children are starving and being abused, and the sex trade is flourishing. Our world is falling apart, and we are so distracted with our own lives and our own issues we are dong nothing.  Those issues are happening right outside our doors, not in another country, here, right here.   Can you even imagine the difference WE, those who are self proclaimed Jesus followers, the difference we could make if we banded together?  The Mormons, the Catholics, the Protestants, Lutherans, ect, ect, ect,  the CHRISTIANS actually banded together and decided to actually be the Church? 


The church has been sleeping. Sleeping away, arguing amongst themselves. DOING NOTHING. Whose job is it to look after the orphans? Whose job is it to look out for the prisoners, to visit them? Whose job is it? You know the answer. It’s yours, it’s the churches, its mine. It’s OUR job, as the bride of Christ to be his hands and feet. To be the ones driving the legislation, making the changes, loving people and in doing so bringing them to God.  Its OUR job to defend the defenseless and to show people the Love of God.  It is NOT our job to judge them and deem who is and is not worthy of our love!!


You cannot share the love of Jesus with someone if you do not meet them right where they are, without judgment. No one will listen to you while you are pointing a finger at them condemning them to hell. No one.


If I was an outsider looking at the church, I would be mocking us. What do churches even do?  Seriously, what do they do?  They appear to isolate themselves in these huge buildings, with state of the art equipment and put on concerts every week. They do “overseas” work, which is awesome and commendable, but what about our community? What about our neighbors?   Look at the foster care system. A “target audience” of the church. One of the few actually targeted in the bible James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress.. Yet, the foster care system here in Arizona is OVERLOADED.   That’s the direct fault of us. The church is not doing their job. There should not be a foster care system overload, the church should step up and take in those kids.


Secondly what about the prison system, when was the last time you visited someone in prison? Again, that’s another “target audience” Jesus calls us to. Mathew 25 tells us about the parable of the sheep and the goats, specifically lists that “when I was in prison you did not visit me” The vulnerable prison population should be being taken care of by the church. We should be visiting them, witnessing to them and helping them. There are a few prison ministries, but not enough.


I could keep listing people, I could keep pointing out our failings (the finger is pointed directly at me to). The point is, when are we going to shut up already about the “gay agenda” about immigration, about politics, about organic foods!? When are we going to stop bickering amongst ourselves and actually get shit done? When are we going to choose to be the bride of Christ and actually take care of his children, of his people?


Wake up church. Wake up and make a difference. I realize its overwhelming and you don’t know where to start. Start first, by praying, praying that God would open your eyes to those who are already in your life. Then Stop, stop when you see a hurting person, stop and help. Stop for that broken down person on the side of the road. Stop and talk to the other people around you and listen to them. Sometimes just listening can mean everything to a hurting individual, one you may not even know is hurting because you never bothered to stop and care. Stop being so consumed with yourself that you fail to see your neighbor. That you fail to see even your friend when they are in trouble. Get to know your community, God has put you somewhere. He has put you in your home, at your job, in your neighborhood. Be his light, start illuminating your world. Start the fire where your at, it will spread.  Get used to doing the right thing, no matter what even when its really hard.  Once you start opening your eyes, God will keep putting people in your path.  God will show you where to go, and hey, don’t wait for a writing on the wall.  When in doubt, just help someone, do you really need to hear Gods voice to help someone?   I really think the biggest difference will start when we just open our eyes to the ones God has already placed in our lives.  When we actually take the step outside our doors  with the intention of being Gods hands and feet, with the intention of showing everyone around us that they are important and they matter. . You know what and who you see, already, I don’t have to tell you.  I just implore you to stop ignoring it.


Stepping off my soapbox now, going right down to my knees to see how I can change, how I can make a difference with the people God has placed in my life, and maybe just maybe change the world. 



I was discussing this with a friend the other day and decided to write a blog. 

I want to raise my children to respect themselves, to value sex, and to wait for marriage.  I do.  I want to teach my kids purity.  I think most christian/religious parents are on the same page here. 

However, I see some flaws in the church and the youth groups and the way the church approaches sex and the messages the young people are receiving.

Sex, its an uncomfortable topic for most parents, while this is changing, its a grownup topic that most don’t want to talk about with their kids.  Yes, its changing, and there are some who are opening the discussion, but for the most part, within my circles anyway, its still “one of those” topics. 

Before I can wrap my head around what I want to teach my kids about sex, I have to first define what I DON’T want to teach my kids.

I DON’T want to teach my kids that sleeping around is not a big deal, that you should “do what feels right” and to go along with our culture with “owning our own sexuality” and not caring what everyone else says or thinks, just do what feels right.  This will bring great pain to their lives, and I know it.

That being said, I also do NOT want to teach my kids that their sexuality, their decisions regarding their body (whether they have sex or not) defines them. 

That’s the issue I have with many of the youth groups i attended.  Purity contracts, constant stressing and talking about how important it is to NOT have sex, being constantly drilled into me, created this idea that if you did in fact have sex before marriage, you were now no longer as valuable or worthy than if you did not.  I DON’T want to teach my kids that.  I saw a meme, that was a bit vulgar, so I want share the actual image,  but i really summed up how I feel.  Basically it said a mans penis cannot fundamentally change a woman. 

AMEN, for goodness sake, that’s what we are teaching our youth at these youth groups, when we make a bigger deal about committing to stay a virgin until marriage than we do about lying, cheating, stealing or even salvation! 

By stressing it so much, I feel it is inadvertently (I hope anyway) implied that by having sex, a girl is now fundamentally changed as a person, her worth and value is now changed, simply because she did, or did not choose to have sex, or maybe she didn’t get the choice at all. The message I received from my youth groups, and that I have seen in our christian culture, is making young woman and girls feel their entire worth is wrapped up in their virginity. 

That is what i don’t want to teach my kids.  Whether you do or do not, did or did not, are or are not, anything regarding sex, does NOT define who or what you are. 

I have two things I do NOT want to teach my kids, so now with what I DO.  This is a bit harder to define within the boundaries of the above concerns. 

I do want to teach them that following Gods plan in every area of their lives is important.  Not because we somehow hurt God (he is big enough) but because he created rules and boundaries for us to follow because he LOVES us.  The rules and boundaries don’t have to make sense to us if we trust God.  God designed sex for marriage.  He didn’t do this to make our lives miserable, he did this to protect us.  We should wait for marriage because it really is what is best for us.  Sleeping around, multiple sexual partners, free sex, all have long term psychological affects, yes you can recover from them, but its harmful to ourselves.  I want my children to value their bodies and psyches enough to wait, and at the very least approach sex with extreme caution.

The hard part is balancing the purity message with grace.  I want my kids to care about not having sex, about keeping themselves pure,  but I don’t want them to rush into and marry someone because they “slipped up” and had sex with said boyfriend or girlfriend and now feel like they have to, or else forever be damaged.  I also do not want them to feel like that they now don’t “deserve to be with” a good guy or a good girl, because they are polluted, if they do engage in sexual activity.  I really don’t want to teach them that by doing anything, sexual or another sin, they are now a completely different person, or valued differently than if they did not.  God looks at our hearts.  No one act can change who you are, or how God sees you. 

My children are still young, I realize I’m not writing this from any experience other than my own and witnessing my friends and circles. I do know, i want my kids to value themselves, and their body’s, whether they are virgins or not.   Virginity is not right up there with Godliness.



Who am I?

I have been busy blogging on my other two blogs, the club none want to join, and monster mommy.  This blog is hard.  This one was ours.  “ramblings of a recovering drug addict and his wife”  now its just me, and I’m not a wife anymore.  I still don’t encourage coolaid… sugar, food coloring, all around bad stuff.  Especially not for Kids, wow kids on coolaid…  Don’t come over to my house if that’s what you choose, that’s all I’m sayin,

hey SQUIREL!! 

Sorry, like I said, this blog is harder for me to write.  Because, well it was ours, like I already said. 

Who am I?   Who are you? 

This life seems so focused on who you are. 

Who am I?  What am i here for? 

Then who you think you are is ripped from you.  Its ripped from you and you face the realization that it is not you anymore, then you think maybe you never were that person in the beginning, and wonder who you are now!  Do I sound like Dr. Seuss yet? 

I’m going to write a book call who am I and who are you?  It has a nice ring to it.

Why are we so focused on who we are anyway?  Why is this so important?  Who am I? 

I am a child of God, beyond that, I don’t think it really matters. 

Who can I help?  That seems like a much more relevant question. 

Am I making a difference in the world?  Again, seems like a higher quality question. 

The self focus our culture constantly pushes, promotes us falling to pieces like shards of a broken mirror.  

So again, What about when the person we used to see in the mirror, stops existing?

  Stop looking in the mirror so much, get that darn thing away from your face!  Look at your world, look at your neighbor.  Look beyond yourself.  Don’t ask who am I?  Ask who your neighbor is, your coworker, the person in the supermarket.  Who are they?  

Don’t Ask, Why am I here? Ask, Who can I help? 

We know why we are here,  We are here to love people.  Its not rocket science.  I could elaborate and make it much more complicated, but that’s it, plain and simple.  We were created to Love people.  The end, all your quest for meaning in life solved by me, (well really its outlined in the Bible, pretty clearly, but I pointed it out and took credit),

I am a child of God, put here on this earth to love other people.  That is who I am, and if you are a christian that is who you are as well.  I just solved your life mystery.  You’re welcome. 

The Butterfly



“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness, yet become something beautiful”  I can live through pain and tears and still fly.  I can have my heart be hurting, have a thorn in my flesh, and still win the fight.   My feet feel as though they are bound, and yet I dance.  I have been angry, I have been bitter, and have been told over and over again how strong I am.  You don’t see me when I cry.  You don’t see me when I’m angry and mean to people.  I’m not strong.  God is holding me up, he is holding my kids up, and I mess up every day.  Yet, He brings beauty from ashes,  strength from fear,  beauty from a messy person like me.  A messy person who sometimes falls apart and hurts the people she loves.  Someone who cries and messes up on a daily basis.  I look at the butterfly and remember that even when i’m a mess and I don’t think life is going to be OK, the darkest hours are just before the dawn.

“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Do you think a bird is exceptionally skilled because it can fly?  Do you congratulate a shark on its swimming abilities?  I am choosing to live life, because I am alive.  I’m choosing to be happy, because the alternative is rather sad.


I think we are going to make it

The only thing that is certain in life is death and change.  I’m not being morbid, I’m not being depressing, I’m just saying it how it is.  Death is real, it will happen, and we don’t need to fear it.  We should be prepared for it, and even plan for it.  Someday I will die, that’s OK, it means I lived.  A friend of mine recently said while we were chatting about her and her husband “ you know I think we are going to make it”  and I was so happy to hear this, but it made me think, what does “making it” in a relationship mean?  And by relationship, I mean any relationship really, but particularly the husband/wife one.  When you “make it”  What do you mean by that?  I would say Jason and I “made it”  Because, well, we made it to “till death do us part”  and that is the end.  You cant go on from there, you have arrived. Relationships, just like people, all have one thing in common, they die.  If it’s a relationship that made it, then it ended in death.  The death of one party.  As humans we try to avoid pain and heartbreak as much as possible.  Its in our nature, we want to be happy, we want to not feel pain.  I would argue though, that it’s the fear of pain and hurt that blocks us from living.  If your afraid of loving, you will always be alone, if your afraid of dying, you will never take the risks you need to, to feel truly alive.  If your afraid of losing something, you will only make yourself miserable trying to keep it.  We need to stop trying to avoid pain, we need to stop fearing death and loss and just embrace it as parts of this beautiful life that we are given.  Think about it, how would you live if you were not afraid?  What would you do if you were no longer afraid of failing?  What would you try?  Who would you be?  Would you finally feel free?  Oh the things I’ve been pondering when I should be sleeping!  I don’t want to be afraid anymore, I don’t care what people think of me anymore, I don’t care about their judgments.   I want to live without fear of death, without fear of failure, without fear of loss.   I want to love without the fear of getting hurt, or of losing someone or of rejection.  Above all I want to be someone that causes and effects change.  If no one is working towards something getting better it is naturally going to get worse, (the Law of Entropy).  Entropy, I need to post that everywhere to remind myself that all will go to chaos without diligent intervention.  My relationship with God, my relationship with my family/friends/loved ones all will go to chaos if I don’t work at them.  The world around you, the one that you think needs changed, is changing, constantly, and not for the better unless you or someone else is working towards that end.  I look out at my world and see so many things I want to be different, and ask myself what can I do?  What can I do?  What would I do if I didn’t fear failure or rejection?  How would I live, How should I live?  Writing words on a computer screen doesn’t particularly mean anything.  The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I want to act, I want to live.  The day that I die, whatever day that is, I want people to be able to say, the world is better because I was here.  I want to make it in all my relationships,  I don’t want them to end because of hate/hurt/anger/bitterness/envy/fear, you name it, I want them to end because I died (Or the other person, but honestly, I’d rather go first!!!)  I don’t want to take life lying down, I want to face it head on and say with God on my side I cant lose.  How would you live if you were no longer afraid?  What would you do?  Who would you be?  What would you change?

Its all about ME

Don’t let anyone judge you, if its right for you and makes you happy DO IT

That has got to be the WORST advice I have ever heard. Seriously? Live for yourself and don’t care about anyone else or who it effects if its good for you, who the hell cares about anyone else? We have become a society of self worship, self pleasure seekers and self centeredness that has got me just sick to my stomach every time I see someone say/write/post/blog about just such sentiments. Not to mention, EVERYONE IS MISERABLE. It is a miserable existence! It is miserable to live only for yourself! Its miserable to just do things that make you temporarily happy in the moment. You will NEVER find true happiness looking to make yourself happy, its this weird catch 22. You want to be happy? Do something nice for someone else, you want to feel fulfilled? Make your life about others. The day I start living for myself might as well be the day that I die, I will no longer have anything useful to contribute to the planet. I have seen marriages destroyed, children’s lives ripped apart, lives torn apart relationships forever severed from just such sentiments. “I wanted to” “it made ME happy” “its good for me, so I don’t care what you think” and the saddest part is, give those people, who made such selfish choices time… and they are miserable. You cant make yourself happy by “pleasing” yourself. You will be a miserable lonely human being. If you really want to be happy, really do, try it Gods way. Gods way doesn’t make sense to the world, it has such sentiments of , love your neighbor as yourself, if your enemy strikes you, turn your cheek and let him strike you again, love your enemies, and PRAY for those who persecute you. THAT doesn’t sound like much fun to anyone. Our creator though, he knows HOW we were made, HE knows what will make us happy, and if we’d just jump out and have a little faith, and actually do things the way God wants us to, we would be happy as well. “The Joy of the Lord is my strength” It really is rather simple, Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul and love your neighbor as yourself. Try Gods way, I promise you’ll be happier than you have ever been in your whole life, no matter what life throws at you, and if your happiness is from God, If Gods given it to you, and your joy is from within, no one can ever take it away and you will always be happy. That is the end of my rant. I hope you have a very happy day .

Self Care


Self care. Take care of yourself, are you relaxing enough? Are you doing enough to take care of you? Are you worried enough about you? I’m so tired of this lie called self care. This sneaky way to make the center of our universe ourselves again. Its done very subtly, very sneakily. This lie that if you don’t take care of yourself first you cant take care of others. Am I the only one who can see the fly in your face LIE this is? How UN CHRISTIAN how this is NOT what Jesus said EVER or ANYWHERE in the Bible this is? OK – if your not a Christian, and you do not believe in the Bible, I ‘m not speaking to you here. You do not hold the basis, the foundation and the fundamental truths that I hold, so these arguments to you will seem irrelevant. However if you DO believe in the Bible and you ARE a self proclaiming Jesus follower, what the heck is all this self care crap? Jesus sacrificed himself for US on a CROSS that was NOT taking care of himself! Jesus let himself be beaten and abused for love, THAT was NOT self care. Jesus called his followers to lay down their lives for him in the face of persecution, THAT is NOT self care! Jesus NEVER ONCE not even ONE FREAKING time said consider yourself first. NOT EVER. On the contrary, he told us to look after others needs first, told us to turn the other cheek if struck, told us to volunteer to walk another mile, told us to put OTHERS needs first. Jesus called us to even love our enemies and those who hate us. Does THAT sound like self care on any sane level? I mean seriously, I would say the BASIS of self care would be to protect your own body. Turn the other check, lay down your life for a friend, put others needs first, all this flies in the face of our “oh so popular” self care mantra we hear over and over again. No, the Bible says take care of others, and HE will take care of us. Pretty simple, I don’t want anyone to tell me how I need to take care of myself again. I don’t, I am called to look out for my neighbor, to help when I can ANYONE, and that if I’m listening to God and obeying his word, GOD will take care of me, if you ask me I’d do a pretty crappy job of taking care of myself anyway.


Many people, well many writers I know, complain of writers block.  I’m not suffering from this, I’m suffering from WRITERS overload.  I have so much to say so many things to say and so many emotions it seems  I could just write 24 hours a day and not get it all out.  Unfortunately, the appropriateness, the readability, the “does anyone want to read it” are questionable.  I miss my husband, I’m grieving him, I’m wrestling with all kinds of emotions, anger, love, joy, confusion, despair, hope.  You name it, I’ve felt it over the last TWO WEEKS holy crap, TWO WEEKS, two weeks ago, Jason and I went to bed together and kissed each other goodnight for the last time.  The last time.  The next morning I took him to the ER.  Two weeks ago, I cant believe its been two weeks. Its been a lifetime and only a moment all at once.  Everything and nothing has changed.  I’m living strange life, that is exactly the same as it was, yet so so incredibly different.  Kiss the loved ones you hold tonight.  Write a letter to your spouse/mom/brother/sister about what you would say if it was their last.  Don’t wait to let the ones you love know you love and care about them until their funeral.  You really don’t know when that day will be, you never know when your time will really be your last.  I know you’ve heard it, heck I heard it over and over again, but please listen to it.  Tell that person NOW that you love them, tell them NOW you care, say sorry today.  Do not wait for tomorrow. tomorrow just may be to late. 

What I said at my husbands funeral today

-This is what I wrote on my husbands funeral – putting it here so I dont ever lose it.  

Hi Kiddo’s I’m just talking to you today.  I love you.  Daddy loved you, Daddy loved me and I loved Daddy.  I fell in love with your daddy and his dreams.  He always was dreaming, always wanting to go, planning and scheming on what the next adventure we would do. When he started up the catering business O’luau he had nothing put together at all, no kitchen no supplies, literally nothing, so what did he do?  He  called up and placed a 900/month ad in the yellow pages (yes kiddo’s this was before the internet boom).  I was terrified, I mean we had NO JOBS no NOTHING and we had this fancy schmancy yellow pages add that was costing us more than our house payment!!  But lo and behold, he did it, we always booked at least one job a month that covered that payment, and eventually he grew it to a thriving business.  He was gutsy and fearless like that, I loved that about him.  Daddy was a traveler, he love dto go go go go, we went all over the place together and we loved it, I think the only place he ever felt like he belonged was with you guys and on Maui, Maui was home to him, and someday I will take you guys back there to see it.  He loved the beach, he loved to laugh and he just loved life, he loved me to ;).  He changed my life for the better, and Im’ so glad I got to know him, because of him, I have you guys, and got to know how it is to truly love another person.  For that I will forever be grateful. 


Mommy and daddy had what everyone in life wants, we had love.  It was not easy, but you know what?  Nothing worth having in life IS easy.  we had our ups and downs, we had times we wanted to give up, but we didn’t.   We truly believed that true love, love like the Bible talks about, always protects always trusts always hopes and always perserveers, and if we just stuck though it, it would never fail.   It wasn’t easy, but it was very very worth it,We had what the fairy tales always say “true love” 



That was the princess bride, I played it to make you laugh.  We watched it with you r daddy a few times, he LOVED that movie J.  We did have our  fights, as you know, sometimes (most of the time) we fought over stupid things,  like all couples tend to.  I’ll never forget seeing this next movie with your daddy, this particular scene really hit home with us.


Gotta love the Incredible.   We would often start quoting that movie out of the blue to each other, just to make each other laugh.   Daddy loved  to laugh, and this movie was a perfect one for us, a family of superheros!!  .  Daddy was our superhero, the one who could talk anyone into anything, especially me.  He had those baby blue eyes that he passed on to you Wesley and Lena, and that handsome face and stature he passed on to you Ethan and Christian.  Loretta you are still to small, but I’m sure you will have the best of your daddy to.     

The best thing about your daddy though, wasn’t his smile, his laugh, his dreams or his baby blue eyes, no the best thing about your daddy was his heart.  And deep down in his heart, if he was here to say one thing to us today, I know what it would be.    If he was here today, and had something to say on his own funeral,  I know it would be do not judge.  Do not judge the person sitting next to you, do not judge your neighbor, do not judge the homeless man on the side of the road and do not judge the pastor at the pulpit.  Only God knows the heart of a man, and it is only his job to judge.  It is our job to love and forgive. Its our job to love and forgive EVERYONE. 

 His favorite book was the Shack, he gave it  to so many random people, and he loved to talk about the book.  He talked about the book all the time.  Daddy loved the message it portrayed.  It was all about love and forgiveness and how God really does love EVERYONE, even the ones deemed “unlovable” and “unforgivable”  by the world.   When your older I encourage you to read it.   Daddy loved people.  I remember so many times putting together laundry baskets of clothes to give to people, and giving them linens, dishes, random stuff he though they needed, helping people fix their cars, stopping if someone was broke down, picking up hitchhikers, (which is how we got your uncle alex by the way).  Daddy loved to help people, just like Jesus wants us to.  Another important thing daddy did was Daddy forgave people, he was 90 percent of the time the first one to say sorry when we fought, and he always forgave me for my flaws, and I forgave him to.   Jason did not judge, Jason forgave and loved,  and I hope we can to.  Rest in peace Jason, we know you are finally at peace with Jesus.  


Today is the day I get to say goodbye to my other half.  The Bible says the two will become one, I feel that.  11 years after our first date, 10 years and four months after we said our vows.   We have five beautiful, smart amazing children.  I don’t know how I’m going to get up and move on without him, I don’t know how I’m going to keep raising my kids without him.  I don’t know how I’m going to breath or sleep or eat or do anything ever again.  But I know that I will.  I know that God works all things together for the good.  I know that God will hold me and my family in his arms as we cry, and I know that God is with me today, as I try to put on my “I’ve got it together face” and get through this funeral.  Today is going to be hard, but not as hard as waking up every day after knowing that I wont laugh with him ever again, I wont listen to him read to the kids at night ever again, I will never celebrate his birthday with him, not ever again..  I wont ever dance with him to our song “I”m gonna love you forever” I will never see him walk our daughters down the isle or meet the kids “date”  Death is so final.  Its the end.  The ones here left behind seem to not know how to handle it.  I know I don’t.  There is always hope before.  Dreams, plans, life.  Then in death, its just over.  Abruptly over.  We cling here on earth to pictures videos voices, anything we have left.  Wondering why we didn’t care more before, why we didn’t say everything we felt, why we didn’t say I love you, or I’m sorry, one last time.    I loved you Jason, we vowed till death do us part and I guess we made it.  I hope your dancing with Jesus today, smiling down on us finally free from the worlds judgments.  I will keep on helping people, I will keep on loving the homeless, the addicts, the hurting the lonely, the ones abandoned and forgotten in jail, and I will keep on not judging them,  like you showed me to do.  Before you I was a “holier than thou” christian.  I didnt understand people, I couldn’t relate to the hurting, so I couldn’t help them.  I don’t know how heaven is, you talked a lot about it, and the last few weeks you kept reading the book of revelation and talking about heaven.  I kept having dreams of your funeral, God was preparing both of us, I know it, I don’t know why he allowed it to happen, and I keep crying, but I know he will use it, I know he will bring good, and I know he’s got us baby.  I promise to use the pain I have to do something good.  I love you Jason.  Hold our two lost babies, I’m happy they finally get to meet their daddy.